Friends come in and go out of our lives at different times over the years. Some go off to college or marry, some explore new careers in cities far away and some never leave the comfort zone of a home town. Sometimes miles don’t matter, because you can live in the same city and grow miles apart simply by losing track. You don’t set out to lose the friendship, but it can happen to any of us—and it does.
Sometimes we think about an old friend out of the blue or see something that reminds us of that particular person. We hear a song or find an old picture, and we smile or cry at the thought of them. We don’t get to see them, but we hold them deep in our hearts. It’s a treasure of gold we carry inside.
There are also friendships in our lives we choose to end or put on hold because they’re not healthy. We can love a friend and keep them in our prayers but know in our hearts that it’s time to step back. For whatever the reason, sometimes doing so can save the friendship from being destroyed long-term. Sometimes being a great friend means letting go.
Sometimes we mean to call, we promise to call and then we just get busy. Real life happens, and it slips your mind. It doesn’t mean you’re not loved or missed. Some friends are living their dreams, so be happy for them and work on your own dreams. Some are surviving tough times or maybe an illness. There’s so much: children, work, loss of work, carpool, rehab, football practice, chemo, ballet class, divorce ... So much can go on in a person’s life that it gets overwhelming. We lose touch, stuff just happens, and we have to just get over it.
The worst thing that a friend can do is hold bitterness towards someone for just living their life fully, or for being busy or because they assume that person is different now because of circumstances like success or failures.
Yes, we get our feelings hurt. We don’t pick up a phone because they didn’t pick up a phone. The more the time goes by, the harder it gets and the bigger the wall feels. The greatest gift a friend can give to another is the joy of hearing that friend’s voice, even after years of meaning to call or not seeing each other. It immediately bulldozes that wall of time and hurt down.
The gift that is truly “real friendship” is just the pure happiness and joy that come when we connect—no matter what! Stop putting so many rules on friendships and just be a friend—whatever that means with that particular person. It’s always different.
When I was a child, I was a Brownie and then a Girl Scout. These were some of my fondest childhood memories, and the Girl Scouts taught me so much. I worked so hard to cover my uniform sash with badges that exemplified great behavioral and survival skills. Friendship was always a very important skill to any Girl or Boy Scout. My troop would always sing a simple, yet poignant, song about friendship. A line I have always remembered from the song was this one: “Meet new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold.” That song has stuck with me for at least 40 years.
New friends are fabulous, especially when it feels like you have known them forever. But old friends, childhood friends, who knew you before everything that’s molded you into you, those are irreplaceable.
Who knew you before you were successful or before you stopped trusting? Before you went through hell in career or relationships? Who knew you in your innocence and joy—the truest essence of you? The ones that heard your dreams and you told your secrets to, that you double dated with during high school, the kind of friends that no matter how many years have passed, no matter the years without talking for whatever the reason, are just so darn excited to hear your voice at the other end of the phone. Those are gold.
Just be a friend! Whatever that means. Pick up a phone, write a note, send an e-mail, send flowers, send an old photo that represents the friendship or just quietly say a prayer for that friend that’s not in your life any more.
Most importantly, remember that the next time you run into someone you’ve fallen out of touch with, open your arms and hug them tightly and say, “I’ve missed you.” That’s what real friends are for.
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